RENT: the Parody
by streco
Summary: RENT in under ten pages of a word document. XD


1_RENT: the Parody_

This is RENT in short terms... (: I started this a WHILE ago, but then I decided to finish it!

— —

Roger: (plays guitar)

Mark: Roger, stop playing the damn guitar, Collins is home! Wait—no he's not, he got his ass kicked.

Roger: (off-key guitaring) THIS FUCKING THING WONT TUNE.

Phone: (rings)

Mark's Mom: WE LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU'VE BEEN DUMPED BY A LESBIAN!

Phone: (rings)

Mark: Benny!

Mark & Roger: SHITFUCK.

Benny: Yo bitches, what up, I need the rent.

Roger: BENNY SUX.

Benny: I know, but I still need money, even though I'm rich and married to some girl—

Roger: Muffy?

Benny: SHE'S NOT A PUSSY! GIVE ME THE MONEY, OR SING AND DANCE!

Mark: Fine, we'll sing and dance! Enjoy me as I make film-related references!

Roger: And me as I make song-related references!

Company: And us as we are unimportant!

All: RENT!

Benny: ... fuck that and fuck you guys, I still need the rent.

Mark: CAPITALIZE IT BITCH!

—

Angel: Hey, I've got AIDS, wanna come to my house?

Collins: You're hot, me too, and sure thing!

—

Roger: (angsts)

Guitar: (plays song)

Roger: (continues to angst)

Mark: Roger, come out!

Roger: I want to leave a mark before I croak.

Mark: Not funny.

Roger: No joke!

Mark: (leaves)

Roger: Can't I write one god damn song? (angsts about not being able to write a song) Oh, and April! (angsts about April)

Door: (is knocked upon)

Roger: (angsts about door) (opens door) Mark, why are you—holy shit, you're a chick!

Mimi: Would you light this fucking thing? Not only this one... but would you light the internal candle... of loooooove?

Roger: Not interested. By Joe, you're on drugs! (shuns)

Mimi: Drugs rock!

Roger: No they don't! (shuns the nonbeliever)

Mimi: You're hot.

Roger: You have a nice ass.

Mimi: They call me... they call me... skaaaankyyyyy!

—

Mr. & Mrs. Jefferson: Nobody listens to this voice mail, because it's unimportant.

—

Collins, Mark and Roger: We're poor and we love food and vodka!

Collins: This is my cross-dressing pally pal, ANGEL!

Angel: (is pretty) I KILLED A DOG! OH YES I KILLED A DOG FOR MONEY THAT I GIVE TO YOU!

—

Benny: I hate homeless people!

Mark & Roger: Like us?

Benny: Yes! If you stop Maureen's protest, I shall grant you no reeeeeent to build my studioooooooo and then you will be speciallllllll and it will be all because of youuuuuuuu.

Roger: (seriously considers, for he likes being special)

Mark: (smacks)

Angel: (flings Prozac at him)

Roger: (flings drugs at him)

Mark: (flings self at him)

Collins & Angel: BYE!

—

Joanne: Mark? I hate you, I don't want you here! It would be utterly weird if you were here, and I can't fix this easy-to-fix thing.

Mark: (presses one button) Fucking idiot. Do you love Maureen?

Joanne: Yessss!

Mark: Well, you shouldn't. She can't tango.

Joanne: I doubt you can.

Mark: Wanna say that again, foo?

Joanne: Aren't you the white one in this situation?

Mark: (does gang-like "tough guy" movements) C'mon, let's tango, BRING IT, BITCH! (moves eyebrow in a way Adam Pascal cannot, throws of jacket with difficulty; for it gets stuck to his jumper sweatshirt zip-up thing)

Joanne: (wtfs but mimics, less wardrobe malfunctions)

Mark & Joanne: MAUREEN SUCKS!

Joanne: Yet I love her.

Mark: And I obsess over her and masturbate to her photos.

Joanne: She's a fly biotch.

Mark: (agrees)

—

AIDS-people: Our life needs support!

—

Mimi: I am a skank, and my pants are blue and sparkly, just like my hair! WOOOO WOOO AH-WOOOOOOO! Is somebody murdering an owl? OH NO WAIT THATS ME, HOWLING! Watch me as I dance like a skanky hoe slutface! (dances like skanky hoe slutface) oooh I'm done!

Roger: (is barged in upon)

Mimi: Kiss me, Kate!

Roger: (has no choice)

(rampant make out session)

Roger: (realizes he is being kissed) HEY, BACK OFF! I'm going to need three or four days to fully understand what's happening right now, and I don't want you ON TOP OF ME while I do it! AHHH! DRUGS! (shuns)

Mimi: Hey, bucko, drugs make you pretty!

Roger: Yeah pretty UGLY! Muahahaha.

Mimi: (pouts) No day but yesterday, man.

Roger: What?

Mimi: I DON'T KNOW JUST LOVE ME!

Life Support: Our life now has support!

Roger: (angsts)

—

Company: Will we?

Jonathan: You shall.

Roger: (leaves house)

—

Homeless Folk: Did you know that Christmas bells are ringing? We can hear them even though they're in Santa Fe.

Girl: DEE-DEE-DEE!

Mark: (films) TED KOPPEL'S SEXY!

Cops: (run away)

Bag Lady: FUCK YOU, COHEN!

Mark: Eeek!

—

Collins: Enjoy me as I pole dance and sing of New Mexico! Did you know that New Mexico is probably the coolest state ever? PFF WELL IT IS!

Angel: I drum!

Mark: I brush sauce on meat!

Roger: (is not here!)

Lady: I disappear! But only in the movie!

Collins: Prairie dogs?

Everyone: YEAH!

—

Mark: (bails)

Angel: You're cute.

Collins: No, you are.

Angel: Noooo, you are.

Collins: ...yeah, I guess I am. This is why people love us. Because we're perfect and this song is amazing and YOU HAVE GREAT LEGS!

Angel: And you've got a sexy beanie. I'll cover you... with my wiener.

Collins: As will I.

Both: (kiss)

Crowd: AWWWW!

—

Joanne: This is the only song I get in the musical... and it's cut out in the movie! Boohoohoo! Respect me for my phone wielding awesomeness! HUZZAH! We are O-FUCKING-KAY.

Maureen: PLATES!

—

Everybody: Christmas bells are ringing, did you know that? And they're finally ringing here, too! At least... I think. This song is the best! It's awesome! How many parts can YOU figure out?

Angel & Collins: (cuteosity)

Roger & Mimi: (flirtosity)

Mark & Camera: (bangosity)

The Man: I have jam!

Joanne: I'm still okay!

Maureen: (zooms in on motorcycle)

Everybody: ITS SNOWING!!!!

Maureen: I had this weird ass dream, probably a trip. Anyway, I beg of you: MO, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!

People: Moo!

Maureen: SING, MY ANGELS!

People: (operatically) MOOOOO!

Maureen: SIIIIIING!

People: MOOOOOOOOO!

Maureen: MUAHAHAHAH—wait, shit, wrong musical. (Sweeps arms)

People: (shut up, except for the idiots who think they're cool and continue to moo)

(Blackout)

(Riot)

(Orgy)

(Zomg)

—

Restaurant Man: Leave, biotches.

Everybody: ALCOHOL!

Restaurant Man: NO!

Mark: Hey, HEY! I bought tea, let us the fuck in!

Maureen: Woah—wait, is that Benny? YEAH! He'll vouch for us! Benny—what's that? You want us to come in?! Okay! You heard him—let's go!

Benny: My Akita died.

Angel: I killed it.

Benny: I know. Jeez, Mimi, hanging out with a dog killer and a druggie and all this shitheads? Why don't you come bang me? Bohemia died along with Elvis.

Mark: (snaps fingers in z-formation) OH NO YOU DIDN'T, BITCH. This is a funeral for Bohemia then! Because it's not DEAD.

Roger & Collins: MARK IS JEWISH, MARK IS JEWISH. WE MOCK HIM WITH PRAYERS.

Mark: (flings self about) I love this song!

Company: Me too!

Crowd: Me too!

All: LA VIE BOHEME!

Maureen & Joanne: We're gay!

Angel & Collins: So are we!

Angel, Collins, Maureen, Joanne: HUZZAH!

Everybody: (festive dancing, references of odd sorts)

Mimi: AIDS!

Roger: AIDS!

AIDS-infected people: AIDS!

Mimi: You have AIDS?

Roger: I have AIDS.

Mimi: I have AIDS.

Roger: You have AIDS?

Mimi & Roger: Yes.

Mimi: Let's sing a confusing song of our AIDSosity, and how we can now fuck without fuck_ing _the other over. Yay for diseases!

Roger: No. Neigh for diseases. But oh well, you're sexy. Wanna fuck?

Mimi: Will do.

Mimi & Roger: (leave)

Party: (resumes).

Girl: DANCE!

Mark: FILM!

Angel: MUSIC!

Maureen & Collins: ANARCHY!

Everybody: Gay people, me, you, people with disease! LA VIE BOHEME!

Mark: Mimi and Roger are tonguing, I'm alone AGAIN!

Everybody: LIVING THE BOHEMIAN LIFE, BIOTCH!

— —

XD So what'd you think? I shall update with Act II if I get positive reviews.

–Steph.

NO FLAMES. I've been getting a lot lately, and they're pissing me off.


End file.
